Post by ProtossPenguin on Jun 27, 2011 22:06:51 GMT -5
First and foremost, I would like to preface this by saying that I am but a lowly moderater, and anything that I say in this post can be overruled by an Admin. Also, I am in no way trying to offend you or attack your character or your intelligence in any way, I am simply giving you suggestions that *I* think will help you to improve your character, and addressing any problems I have with her.
Also, I am writing this little disclaimer before I even read your post, so for all I know there's nothing I think you should change.
*1st thing is just kind of a knit pick. Kenpachi is the title bestowed upon the "strongest" shinigami in every generation; the one who has slain the most enemies and won the most battles. It's not actually a Rank, it's more of an honorific, and isn't always the 11th division captain. I don't know if we actually work with the title on this site (though honestly I don't really see why not; someone more important than me would have to tell you) but if we did, I would expect a bit more in your history about the countless numbers of battles you had to have won to be considered for this position.
*I'm fairly certain that going rogue from the Soul Society would mean imprisonment if not an immediate death sentence, and nothing that one Captain said would get you out of it. Even voicing your wish to leave the divisions could land you in the maggot's nest. Obviously Kit or Amaya could overrule me on this, but I honestly don't think they will. I also see a mention in your character's personality about a tendency to attack anyone who gets in her way on the way to kill a hollow, friend or foe; which is something else I sincerely doubt the higher ups in the Soul Society would put up with.
*In your strengths section, I see you make note of her sword swings having the power to level streets? That seems a little bit extreme to me, especially without some form of ability that has a ranged attack. You're talking about having more power than an average earthquake packed into a swing of your sword.
*I would move the bit about being unable to use kido from the strengths section of your profile to the weaknesses section.
*As for the defeating the previous captain (I'm assuming that's what you meant by "Kenpachi") in single combat; that is an incredibly difficult feat to pull off, and I would expect your character would have accrued a huge amount of infamy for doing so, which would be a good thing to include in your history. Even a few scars would be a fairly likely occurrence after so epic a battle. I would expect more elaboration on what would most likely be one of the most important moments of your character's life. More elaboration in general about your character's life as a Shinigami would be fantastic. As it is now, I don't really feel like the character has had the experiences that turn a Shinigami into a Captain of the Gotei 13.
This is just a suggestion, but maybe it would be easier (and even more fun) for you if you started her a bit further down on the ladder and actually worked your way up the ranks through RP. This would provide the experiences that would mold your character into a Captain, as well as filling in some more of her story. Completely up to you of course.
*In regards to your "Deadly Current" ability, I don't believe that Shikai actually enhance the "stats" (for lack of a better word) of the wielder. A Zanpakuto is a weapon, and has various abilities, but I don't think we have a canon example of one actually effecting a character's existing physical attributes. I would suggest that you come up with a new ability to augment the offense of your blade. Also, if your blade is meant to be Big, slow and devastatingly powerful you should remain true to its nature. Abilities are meant to play to, and highlight the strengths of your weapon, not overcome their weaknesses. A weakness isn't a weakness if you can ignore it.
*Don't know if you noticed or meant to put something there...but your Bankai doesn't actually have a name. It needs one of those.
*Also just another quick note, you need to state what "Type" your Bankai is. You can find a list of types and examples here. Just off the top of my head, I would say yours falls under the category of an "Enormous Weapon" release.
*Your Bankai abilities are both Water-based when your Shikai was non-elemental. I'm not sure that it's exactly impossible or not, but I haven't seen anything like that in the Cannon. I suppose it's still sticking to the Leviathan theme...but I don't think a non-elemental weapon should have elemental abilities. Additionally, an enormous weapon release (which is what yours appears to be to me) has never exhibited the ability to act outside of the surface of the weapon itself. The benefit of this is that it is much more destructive in its use of non-ability attacks; however the downside is that you actually have to hit them with the weapon.
*Just addressing the abilities themselves, and ignoring the Bankai:
-I don't really like the fact that they both mention that people below Lieutenant are most likely going to be obliterated, especially considering the MASSIVE range and size of your attacks. Keep in mind, the further away an attack hits, and the larger/harder to dodge it is, the weaker it has to be. As it stands now, you have two brutally powerful attacks that can obliterate virtually anybody that isn't a Captain. This makes you insanely deadly at both long and short range, and basically eliminates the weakness of being unable to use kido.
-Also, the width of your Tsunami is half a mile wide. Not only is this far beyond the bottom cap for the "Distant" class of abilities that are only available to Fullbringers and Quincy, but it would be pretty ridiculous even for them.
-Overall, I think these abilities need to be toned down quite a bit.
aaaaaannnnd, that's about it from what I can see at the moment. Feel free to ask me if you have any questions about anything that I addressed in the post, or if you would simply like help or my opinion on something you might want to change in your profile. I am at your disposal.
Also, I am writing this little disclaimer before I even read your post, so for all I know there's nothing I think you should change.
*1st thing is just kind of a knit pick. Kenpachi is the title bestowed upon the "strongest" shinigami in every generation; the one who has slain the most enemies and won the most battles. It's not actually a Rank, it's more of an honorific, and isn't always the 11th division captain. I don't know if we actually work with the title on this site (though honestly I don't really see why not; someone more important than me would have to tell you) but if we did, I would expect a bit more in your history about the countless numbers of battles you had to have won to be considered for this position.
*I'm fairly certain that going rogue from the Soul Society would mean imprisonment if not an immediate death sentence, and nothing that one Captain said would get you out of it. Even voicing your wish to leave the divisions could land you in the maggot's nest. Obviously Kit or Amaya could overrule me on this, but I honestly don't think they will. I also see a mention in your character's personality about a tendency to attack anyone who gets in her way on the way to kill a hollow, friend or foe; which is something else I sincerely doubt the higher ups in the Soul Society would put up with.
*In your strengths section, I see you make note of her sword swings having the power to level streets? That seems a little bit extreme to me, especially without some form of ability that has a ranged attack. You're talking about having more power than an average earthquake packed into a swing of your sword.
*I would move the bit about being unable to use kido from the strengths section of your profile to the weaknesses section.
*As for the defeating the previous captain (I'm assuming that's what you meant by "Kenpachi") in single combat; that is an incredibly difficult feat to pull off, and I would expect your character would have accrued a huge amount of infamy for doing so, which would be a good thing to include in your history. Even a few scars would be a fairly likely occurrence after so epic a battle. I would expect more elaboration on what would most likely be one of the most important moments of your character's life. More elaboration in general about your character's life as a Shinigami would be fantastic. As it is now, I don't really feel like the character has had the experiences that turn a Shinigami into a Captain of the Gotei 13.
This is just a suggestion, but maybe it would be easier (and even more fun) for you if you started her a bit further down on the ladder and actually worked your way up the ranks through RP. This would provide the experiences that would mold your character into a Captain, as well as filling in some more of her story. Completely up to you of course.
*In regards to your "Deadly Current" ability, I don't believe that Shikai actually enhance the "stats" (for lack of a better word) of the wielder. A Zanpakuto is a weapon, and has various abilities, but I don't think we have a canon example of one actually effecting a character's existing physical attributes. I would suggest that you come up with a new ability to augment the offense of your blade. Also, if your blade is meant to be Big, slow and devastatingly powerful you should remain true to its nature. Abilities are meant to play to, and highlight the strengths of your weapon, not overcome their weaknesses. A weakness isn't a weakness if you can ignore it.
*Don't know if you noticed or meant to put something there...but your Bankai doesn't actually have a name. It needs one of those.
*Also just another quick note, you need to state what "Type" your Bankai is. You can find a list of types and examples here. Just off the top of my head, I would say yours falls under the category of an "Enormous Weapon" release.
*Your Bankai abilities are both Water-based when your Shikai was non-elemental. I'm not sure that it's exactly impossible or not, but I haven't seen anything like that in the Cannon. I suppose it's still sticking to the Leviathan theme...but I don't think a non-elemental weapon should have elemental abilities. Additionally, an enormous weapon release (which is what yours appears to be to me) has never exhibited the ability to act outside of the surface of the weapon itself. The benefit of this is that it is much more destructive in its use of non-ability attacks; however the downside is that you actually have to hit them with the weapon.
*Just addressing the abilities themselves, and ignoring the Bankai:
-I don't really like the fact that they both mention that people below Lieutenant are most likely going to be obliterated, especially considering the MASSIVE range and size of your attacks. Keep in mind, the further away an attack hits, and the larger/harder to dodge it is, the weaker it has to be. As it stands now, you have two brutally powerful attacks that can obliterate virtually anybody that isn't a Captain. This makes you insanely deadly at both long and short range, and basically eliminates the weakness of being unable to use kido.
-Also, the width of your Tsunami is half a mile wide. Not only is this far beyond the bottom cap for the "Distant" class of abilities that are only available to Fullbringers and Quincy, but it would be pretty ridiculous even for them.
-Overall, I think these abilities need to be toned down quite a bit.
aaaaaannnnd, that's about it from what I can see at the moment. Feel free to ask me if you have any questions about anything that I addressed in the post, or if you would simply like help or my opinion on something you might want to change in your profile. I am at your disposal.